Coming to terms with your sexuality always seems like a battle. The fear of vitriol, or even doubts about yourself seem to creep in at the weakest moments. In a touching OP-ED for Huffington Post, bass music producer/DJ GRiZ publicly came out as gay, discussing his early struggles about accepting and dealing with his sexuality.
Kwiecinski discusses his early life, his parents’ divorce, and how he tried to fight back, thinking there was something wrong with him.
The most difficult thing about keeping secrets that no one knows, is that they drive you crazy and make you think, feel, and do crazy, sometimes harmful, shit. I kept girls around me to ward off suspicion and partook in the heterosexual overly excited teen drama. I had a few girlfriends, took girls to dances, lost my virginity yada yada yada…But that only created more stress. I hated the fact that I was gay. I resented myself for it. I would barter to the higher power to make me straight. When things got really bad I asked my mom to take me to see a psychiatrist (who I constantly lied to about my sexuality) because I wanted to get a magic pill that would help me feel okay. My anxiety was so overpowering that for a year I was taking Prozac trying to convince a shrink, and myself, that I was straight. At the peak of it, I was wearing a heart monitor strapped to my chest to make sure I wasn’t having heart murmurs. I was slowly turning into a robot on the inside and out.
There was so much pressure to fit in, I tried to force myself to be like everyone else. The last thing any teen wants is to be “uncool.” Hell, the typical lingo for things that were lame was “gay” and someone who wasn’t cool “fag” or “faggot.” Every day those words are so casually tossed into conversation as if it were true. And, I started to believe they were. There were no openly gay role models in culture for me to look up to at the time to dispel that myth (besides Freddie Mercury, you my dude!!!). Countless rap songs about chasing women and misogyny, TV shows and movies about how the guy always gets the hot girl or wants to. I don’t think I saw a gay person on TV until Will and Grace which, after all, was a comedy.
Just to create some perspective for my people who don’t quite understand this, let’s flip the script. Imagine most rap songs were about admiring dicks, and every love story was between two men or two women. When Harry met… Bob. Joey and Chandler from friends end up together. When a man loves a man. Sounds weird, right? The only representation of gay people in my life was a 30-minute sitcom once a week on television. I found it so difficult to see myself as part of something. I was all alone. I had to avoid facing my true self at risk of losing everything.
GRiZ ends the OP-ED on a positive note, recounting the fact about how things finally turned around for him in college, and as an anecdote for younger people who are facing a similar situation, it will get better.
If at this point you are telling yourself this sounds even mildly familiar, and you have so perfectly and with great pain kept your secret to yourself, I have one thing to tell you. It gets better. For me, it was college when things started to turn around. I found a small group of gay friends and with their help, combined with newly found courage, I was able to feel more comfortable with who I was. I had to tell myself, “Grant, you’re just gonna be who you are. You’re a super rad dude and people are gonna love you either way. If they don’t then they weren’t actually your friends in the first place.” This is that leap of faith moment. You just have to go for it. I was surprised how supportive my family and friends were in my coming out and it gave and still gives me hope. I believe in the goodness of people. Yes, there is a lot of negativity and hate. Instead of giving into that fear and sadness, we need to shine. Shine so brightly that it inspires your community to do the same. It won’t always be easy, but the battle is worth it. Never ever give up on yourself. It might not be cool to love Britney Spears, study AP physics or play saxophone but, it’s totally cool to be gay.
You can read the full OP-ED here.